|Feeling better now, but earlier...Look out!
||[Sep. 8th, 2003|01:49 am]
I was in one of those moods earlier today where I felt sorry for anyone that got in my way, because I was just going to explode at them for no reason. It started off as a moroseness, (Hey, "moroseness" is an actual word, according to spellchecker. And here I thought I was making it up...) but quickly became a raging anger. I'm thinking part of this emotional roller coaster was brought on by selling the engagement ring today to a pawn shop. (It was just enough for me to fill my tank up with gas, and I could have gotten a candy bar with the change, had I wanted...).
The money part bothered me, but it was more that it reminded me of the fact that a) I never achieved closure on that relationship, b) my relationships, or attempts thereof, since then have all gone wrong.
(There was about an hour or more between that sentence and this one...)
So, I called Amy. She was asleep (it being 11:30 at night and all...), but she woke up and answered the phone. Needless to say, she was surprised to hear from me, although coincidentally, she told me she had just written a journal entry (paper, not Live) about me and how she felt she had taken the chickenshit way out in breaking things off with me. We chatted about things, and I think we found the fatal flaw in our relationship. She was asking me hypotheticals at one point when we were going out, and I was answering honestly (as I always do). One she asked me was "Car crash. One of us is going to die. Would you save yourself, or save me?" I paused, thought about it, and answered, "If I knew for sure it was one or the other, probably myself." Yeah, that may sound selfish, but you know what? That's the truth, and I bet it's the truth for more of you out there than care to admit. And besides, if the situation were reversed, I would expect the other person to save themselves. Amy wants someone who, when they're in a relationship, is willing to give up everything, including their life, for that person. Maybe I'm not as much of a romantic as I thought I once was, but that's not what I'm looking for. There's a great quote in Dream Theater's song "Space Dye Vest." (It's probably a quote from something else, since it's spoken by someone not from the band, but I don't know the original source...) "I want you to have your own thoughts, and ideas and feelings - even when I hold you in my arms." I don't want someone to be all about me, just like I don't want to be all about someone else. Even if/when I get married. We'll be a team, and yes, sometimes you make sacrifices for the team as a whole. For instance, at the time, I was willing to sacrifice my life down here in Whittier in order to move in with Amy, so that we could develop our relationship without the long distance deterrent. At the time, it made the most sense for me to move, if one of us were going to. But, it seems Amy wanted someone who would have moved, even if the more practical solution would have been for her to move.
So, anyways, that's over, and we're both better off for it. She can go off and find her Spock, while I can try to find someone who also believes the characters in The Gift of the Magi should have discussed what they wanted for Christmas...
If anyone knows where I can find someone interested in this more pragmatic view of love, you know where to find me...