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Back at work... - Kurt's Life (or lack thereof) [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kurt Onstad

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Back at work... [Nov. 20th, 2000|01:09 pm]
Kurt Onstad
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |Eddie Money - "Take Me Home Tonight" (In my head)]

Long, fun yet emotional weekend. Said goodbye to a good friend, and didn't get the time alone with Megan that I thought I was going to, so no new news there, like I thought there would be. I'm really pissed at Josh right now, although I really have no right. Especially given that I'm torn on a different, but very related subject. Not going to go into details on either of those right now, but I probably will later tonight at home, since I don't have to worry about the show being due tomorrow morning...

Kurt Onstad
Sleep? I've heard of this act, but have never actually seen it myself...

Josh is referred to as Joel in the comments here. That's a holdover from the "Alias" days. Please don't confuse him with my best friend Joel. Similarly, in the comments here, Lucy=Riki and Jessie=Megan.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: self
2000-11-20 04:07 pm (UTC)

Broken record

    I'm really pissed at Joel right now (remember, people reading this, I use aliases. So, if your name is actually Joel, don't worry...), although I really have no right.
That would be an emotion, and emotions don't care whether they have a right to exist. They're actually heightened by attempts to repress them.

(Cupperson's theorem of emotional growth)

Look familliar? I've given this advice before. Pay attention next time!

    Sleep? I've heard of this act, but have never actually seen it myself...
I've watched it a few times. Not much variety, but that's actually relaxing once you get used to the idea.

As for performing the act, who knows? It could have happened while I wasn't paying attention. I probably slept through it.
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[User Picture]From: speedball
2000-11-20 04:35 pm (UTC)

Re: Broken record

Well, I don't have a right to be pissed at him, because Jessie was just as much a part of it as he was, but I'm more disappointed with her than I am angry.

No, I take that back. I'm angry. She's not allowed to show anything towards me in public, but she can sit in Joel's lap, as he rubs her back and holds her hand...

Although, again, I can't complain too much, because Lucy (new person, will introduce her tonight...) was kind of hanging all over me for part of that evening...

Kurt Onstad
Really shouldn't be typing this while he's on the phone with a customer...Answered a question with a very angry "Yes" accidentally...
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[User Picture]From: self
2000-11-20 06:37 pm (UTC)

Abrupt Reversal

Up front, this is a message for you. Digest it, understand it, but don't repeat it. I am extremely blunt here. The logic may apply, but the wording will not work out well should you use it to explain your feelings. It's 2nd person. Make it first person, and you'll live to regret it.

There's a lot of hinting at backstories involving people we know. You should get the references without any difficulty, but your other readers will hopefully stay in the dark.

That said, let's move on.

>>
Well, I don't have a right to be pissed at him, because Jessie was just as much a part of it as he was
<<
Maybe you don't have a right to be pissed at him exclusively, but you always have the right to be pissed at people. That never goes away.

Is Joel aware of the worst-kept secrettm? Answer yes, and you've got all the reason in the world to be angry at him.

>>
She's not allowed to show anything towards me in public, but she can sit in Joel's lap, as he rubs her back and holds her hand...
<<
Let's get this straight: Jessie imposed that rule. You neither understand nor approve of it. You're just playing along for as long as you're able. "Humoring her insanity," as I like to call it.

That's an important distinction, because it keeps you honest with yourself - your statement was backwards.

She's not allowed to show anything towards you in public? I don't think so. What's the consequence of showing affection towards you? You're not going to punish her for it - that's what you want. You'd reward her.

It's not a rule for her.
    You know couples who play by one-way rules.
    You have no respect for them.
And I hold that the rules are never even. There's always inequity, and resentment. Which is why there should never be "rules".

The closest you should come to that is compromise. Agreements, towards your mutual benefit. You give some, she gives some. You both gain more than you lose, and when that balance is off, you renegotiate.

I'm not fully convinced this is different. It still leads to a winner/loser type of game. I suspect it's deceptive, a "rules" relationship disguised as a "respect" relationship. But it does make this message easier, so I'm going to stick with the model for now. Just, try to keep your eyes open on this one. I don't trust it.

Continued in the next comment...
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[User Picture]From: self
2000-11-20 06:43 pm (UTC)

(hope nobody was tailgating!)

So, let's talk about compromise...

You're giving up a sense of pride and stability. What do you get in exchange?
  • You get to continue spending time together.
    • That's a good start, but she wants this too. Don't ever let that be a bargaining chip.
  • You get the freedom to date other people.
    • Maybe you should excercise that. That'll either make her come to her senses, or give you more options. If the relationship's going to be this unhealthy, you should be looking for a way out.
That's really it for your end.

Se's giving up... nothing.
What does she gain?
  • She gets to continue living in denial.
    • I could probably have phrased that more positively, but I wouldn't mean it. Whatever she thinks she's avoiding, all she's doing is blinding herself to it. When she realizes this isn't working, you're in for a world of hurt.
    • You know my experience on this one, and you know it does apply. (so you also know I'm irrationally biased)
  • She gets to date other people.
    • But not IN FRONT OF YOU. Stipulate that now. If she's dating other people, and you know about them, they should know about you and have the same respect.
    • Yes, I'm talking in rules. Screw the analogy.
  • She gets to maintain the illusion that people will think less of her for dating you.
    • Perpetuating fear. That's always a good thing, huh? Good for your ego, good for the relationship.
    • (Sadly, I know this one too)
>>
Although, again, I can't complain too much, because Lucy (new person, will introduce her tonight...) was kind of hanging all over me for part of that evening...
<<
If Jessie was acting out of retaliation, that's one thing. You need to resolve that.

If Jessie was acting out of insensitivity, that's another thing. You need to resolve that, too.

If Jessie was acting out, you have a problem.

If she's working under the impression that she can do anything she wants and you'll still be there waiting for her, it's time to change that impression.


For those of you coming in late, the rules/respect models were discussed here.
Much background on Speedball's situation there, as well.
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