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Kurt Onstad

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It's over... [Mar. 13th, 2003|02:21 pm]
Kurt Onstad
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |Where did she go?-Skycycle-B-side]

Some of you have already heard this from me personally, but for the rest of you, and to get this out...Amy broke up with me. Last Friday, I came back from Pages' Feast/Movie Night (an AOKP event), and found a note on the door from her, with the engagement ring taped to it.

I am returning the ring and ending the relationship. You are to have no further contact with me.
I cannot be with someone who does not understand me or the job it is that I do. I told you when we met I am a professional killer. By protesting the war in my name, you betrayed me. I believe that you love me. But I also believe that you love yourself more. You can't have peace and marry a soldier.
I wish you the best and will always carry you in my heart. I love you. Goodbye.

A little backstory may be necessary there. Amy and I had talked about the impending War in Iraq, and we seemed to agree that it was happening for the wrong reasons. We knew there was a fairly good chance of her being deployed there, and while it wasn't something either of us wanted, we both accepted that fact. At least, this is the impression that I had gotten from our conversations.

But, as I said, I believe this war is happening for the wrong reasons, and shouldn't be going forward as it is. So, when I got an email from California Peace Action telling about a "Virtual March," I decided to forward it along to my friends in AOKP. Since the day of the March happened to be the same day as Amy's birthday, I jokingly put in there "Want to get my fiance a birthday present? Prevent her from being deployed." The next time Amy called after that, Reed answered the phone (since I wasn't home) and asked Amy about her feelings on the subject, and brought up the email I had forwarded. That seems to be the impetus for her breaking things off with me. I say "seems" because she never talked to me about it. She hasn't called back any of the times I've tried to talk to her about it. Reed even called from work, in case she was immediately deleting any messages from my number, to leave a message asking her to talk to me and to tell her that she misinterpreted her conversation with him about the email I sent.

The silver lining in the cloud is that I'm going to stay down here in Whittier with almost all of my friends. I've already talked to my boss at the Education Institute I've been working at, and she's happy to have me stay on permanently, and will be trying to get me more hours (she's been very quick about doing that, already giving me three new students). And I'll be moving along with Reed when he gets his house. So, I'm nowhere near as screwed as I could have been, had this happened a few weeks later.


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[User Picture]From: speedball
2003-03-13 02:43 pm (UTC)

Well, then don't EVER marry Amy...

She's a religous person in the Air Force (but she's in the Green party...)

I actually enjoy having those kinds of differences with people I'm in relationships with. It always gives us something to discuss. I don't want a clone of myself. Just someone who shares enough of my interests that we have common ground, but different enough that we disagree on things as well. As long as they have an open enough mind to not say "I'm right and everyone else who doesn't believe the same is wrong."

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[User Picture]From: coolbean98
2003-03-13 03:23 pm (UTC)
I see her point because I could never marry:
-a religious person
-anyone in any branch of our armed services
-a Republican

Hey, are you single? :)

(Sorry...I couldn't resist.)
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[User Picture]From: coolbean98
2003-03-13 05:09 pm (UTC)
It's not? I mean, it's not directed at you if you're either a Republican, religious, or in the military, but unless you REALLY subscribe to the idea that (complete) opposites attract, I would assume you're not.
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[User Picture]From: coolbean98
2003-03-14 10:17 am (UTC)
Just asking. :)
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[User Picture]From: pottertilly
2003-03-13 02:45 pm (UTC)
I was curious what the note said, but didn't want to pry... Even after your sharing of it here in LJ, I still can't believe it... As long as I've known Amy, but then again, maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did... Yes, she is definitely one to stand up for herself, but to do this... When she first broke the news that she was going to be in the Air Force, I thought she was kidding. Nothing against the military, but Amy in the military? I didn't realize she felt so strongly about it — she's the one who would say she was in the "Air Farce."

Better stop before I ramble yet again with you about this subject. Again, I am so sorry.
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[User Picture]From: coolbean98
2003-03-13 03:38 pm (UTC)
Are you really surprised? I mean, if there's something you can honestly say about Amy, it's that she will will make you rethink what you thought you knew. And I think what she's feeling is probably not something we haven't all thought at some time, although we may act on it differently.
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[User Picture]From: rosaleendhu
2003-03-13 02:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs* If you need someone to rant to irl...
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[User Picture]From: tommyomega
2003-03-13 02:57 pm (UTC)

You have my condolences...

In the end, depending on what Amy does, you will see her true colors. I know that's not much, Kurt, because anything we say or do to help shall pale in comparison to whatever wounds you may have, but we are here for you.

I shall resist the urge to rant.
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[User Picture]From: bigevil
2003-03-13 03:06 pm (UTC)

The Eventful Life we lead...

I cannot say anything that hasn't been said, and I cannot offer anything that hasn't been offered already. Obviously we are all your friends and here for you. What I CAN say is that it will be nice to get a chance to get to know you better. I really only started talking to to you outside of passing politeness relatively recently. And its mostly been about trivial tstuff like gaming, but every now and then weve had some meaningful discussion and so I consider it a great opportunity to get to know someone pretty damn cool!

Of course, now that I will remain your Storyteller, I'm gonna make your life hell too. ;-)
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[User Picture]From: lightways
2003-03-13 03:32 pm (UTC)


I'm of mixed emotions on this one... I feel for ya, cuz the end of a relationship is always hard.

But I'm actually glad that it's ended. I was hoping for the best, but the times that I was around her, I didn't get the "I Love Kurt" vibe and that's not always good for a relationship, let alone a marriage.

::HUGS:: You will find someone who is better for you!
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[User Picture]From: coolbean98
2003-03-13 03:33 pm (UTC)
I heard a little about all this, and the letter sounds like what I suspected. She's totally running away. Those are extremely thin arguements for leaving without talking about it. I think she's afraid of something much deeper (that you may or may not be able to work through), and I hope she has good enough friends to point out to her that she's making a huge mistake by not addressing it up front and giving it an honest talking through.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. You have my total sympathy, and clearly the support of alot of people who care about you.
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[User Picture]From: pottertilly
2003-03-13 03:40 pm (UTC)
"I hope she has good enough friends to point out to her that she's making a huge mistake by not addressing it up front and giving it an honest talking through..."

But this will only work, my friend, if she will return her friends' calls... So far nothing...
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[User Picture]From: dragonpookie
2003-03-13 03:40 pm (UTC)

Well... people have said what I was going to already...

Well, in that case, perhaps maybe something a little on the lighter side?...

GOOD NEWS: With gas prices being so high, think of how much you'll save.

BAD NEWS: My sister is still off limits ;)

GOOD NEWS: Money saved on gas is money that can be put towards DS9 dvds

BAD NEWS: DS9 fan?... now she's reeeeeeeeeally off limits :P

(hope this gave you at least a small chuckle, ol' chum)
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[User Picture]From: euphoricone
2003-03-13 04:35 pm (UTC)

2 things:

1) I'm really sorry. That sounds incredibly messed up. But better you found out now that shes a basketcase (not saying you think she is, but i certainly do) before she left you at the alter or god forbid after you went through w/ the nuptuals.

2) Does this mean you are coming to NY to marry me now?
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[User Picture]From: necrolemur
2003-03-13 04:54 pm (UTC)

Just wanted to let you know...

God, I'm so sorry.

Here, have some hugs.
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[User Picture]From: self
2003-03-14 02:05 pm (UTC)

volatile under pressure


The good news is, you don't get a reaction like that out of someone who doesn't really love you. Without that, you can't hurt 'em enough to cause this.

The bad news is, she wants to disappear. And she's in the perfect setting to make that happen.

Given time, space, and normality, perhaps this can fix itself. But those factors are at odds with each other, and that doesn't make life real predictable.

That said, here were my reactions:
  1. It's more than possible to support our soldiers without getting behind the war itself. Our military largely exists to prevent war, in much the same way our weapons of mass destructions exist to prevent mass destruction - they're a deterrant. This is in no way a contradiction. Failing to make this distinction leads to a repeat of the Vietnam homecoming, so this "love the soldier? love the war." mentality needs to go.

    It's possible she's seeing the other side of that - misguided protesters taking out their frustration on her friends and neighbors. From her perspective, there may be an "us vs. them" split already. But I don't think that's the problem. I just bring it up because it's probably what she's using to rationalize this.

  2. It's far less possible to think of yourself as a professional killer while maintaining any sort of relationship with God.

    That right there is far more serious - whether you believe in an actual God, or simply find it convenient to externalize your own conscience from time to time, this is a powerful force to stand against. It's almost invariably going to lead to confusion and self-hatred. I don't think she was trying to protect herself so much as deny herself happiness.

So, yeah. Small consolation knowing it wasn't you.

But it wasn't.

Nothing you could have done differently.

Anyway.. In your position, I'd ask everyone to stop flooding her voicemail, and I'd leave a note of my own on her door. Explain your side of the story, apologize for the misunderstanding, and tell her not to be afraid of calling you when she's ready to talk. And leave it at that - No plans, no promises, no begging, no accusations. And don't plan out what you'll say if the phone ever rings - You won't remember a word of it.

And, yes. between now and then, fly out to NY and marry euphoricone. =)
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[User Picture]From: coolbean98
2003-03-14 02:42 pm (UTC)

Re: volatile under pressure

Good points, well put, all around. I totally agree that she's taking out deeper conflicts within herself out on your relationship and her happiness. And you can't save Amy from herself - only she can.

I was just talking to pottertilly about the "love the solider, love the war" idea. I think it's safe to assume that most people don't feel that way these days, but there are certainly some people who do still make that association, and Amy may even be one of them.

Also, I think it's really funny that she considers herself a "professional killer".
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[User Picture]From: tommyomega
2003-03-15 03:35 am (UTC)


must... resist... urge... to... rant... *insert weird 60's TV Batman camera angles that continually move*
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[User Picture]From: visioninblack
2004-01-08 02:19 pm (UTC)
Not sure how I found this post... but damn, it made me sad.

I'm sorry!

It has been almost a year, I hope things are going better for you.

Are you still in Whittier? Whittier CA? I love it there.
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[User Picture]From: speedball
2004-01-08 04:44 pm (UTC)


Not sure how you found this either, since we don't appear to have any friends in common, but I appreciate the sympathy, belated as it is.

Since this post, I have talked to Amy once on the phone and got some semblance of closure, and am doing much better, emotionally speaking.

Yes, I'm still in Whittier, CA, and love it here, although I like the climate of where you live much more...(but since that's where all of my extended family lives, I'd never move up there...)

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[User Picture]From: visioninblack
2004-01-08 04:49 pm (UTC)

Re: Thanks...

Well, I do know how I found the post now... I was reading one of my friends LJ's - which Eliza posted to about a break up (I have met her once) which brought me to her ex Jamie's LJ which you posted to and linked to that post about Amy. Amazing eh?

Your story just tore me up man! I felt so horrible for you I had to write. I'm glad you are doing better. Too bad the war isn't any better. :(

My husbands Grandma lives in Hacienda Heights, and all her kids live in Whittier so we go through there every summer! I think it is a cool place to visit, but wayyyyy too hot man. I am a rain kinda girl. :)


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[User Picture]From: speedball
2004-01-08 05:16 pm (UTC)

That makes sense...

I kind of figured that it had to be through either inevitability or julzerator, since those are the two on my friends list in the Seattle area. It is always interesting to see the "six degrees of separation" here on LJ...

Yeah, if you come down to Whittier in the summer, it usually is too hot. I'm right there with you on that one. Give me a nice grey day where you never actually see the sun, although you're pretty sure it's up there somewhere, and I'm a happy guy. But, that's exactly what we've had the last month or two, so I'm good for now...
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