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Feeling better now, but earlier...Look out! - Kurt's Life (or lack thereof) [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kurt Onstad

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Feeling better now, but earlier...Look out! [Sep. 8th, 2003|01:49 am]
Kurt Onstad
[Current Mood |rambling]
[Current Music |Sweeter Love-Athenaeum-Athenaeum]

I was in one of those moods earlier today where I felt sorry for anyone that got in my way, because I was just going to explode at them for no reason. It started off as a moroseness, (Hey, "moroseness" is an actual word, according to spellchecker. And here I thought I was making it up...) but quickly became a raging anger. I'm thinking part of this emotional roller coaster was brought on by selling the engagement ring today to a pawn shop. (It was just enough for me to fill my tank up with gas, and I could have gotten a candy bar with the change, had I wanted...).

The money part bothered me, but it was more that it reminded me of the fact that a) I never achieved closure on that relationship, b) my relationships, or attempts thereof, since then have all gone wrong.

(There was about an hour or more between that sentence and this one...)

So, I called Amy. She was asleep (it being 11:30 at night and all...), but she woke up and answered the phone. Needless to say, she was surprised to hear from me, although coincidentally, she told me she had just written a journal entry (paper, not Live) about me and how she felt she had taken the chickenshit way out in breaking things off with me. We chatted about things, and I think we found the fatal flaw in our relationship. She was asking me hypotheticals at one point when we were going out, and I was answering honestly (as I always do). One she asked me was "Car crash. One of us is going to die. Would you save yourself, or save me?" I paused, thought about it, and answered, "If I knew for sure it was one or the other, probably myself." Yeah, that may sound selfish, but you know what? That's the truth, and I bet it's the truth for more of you out there than care to admit. And besides, if the situation were reversed, I would expect the other person to save themselves. Amy wants someone who, when they're in a relationship, is willing to give up everything, including their life, for that person. Maybe I'm not as much of a romantic as I thought I once was, but that's not what I'm looking for. There's a great quote in Dream Theater's song "Space Dye Vest." (It's probably a quote from something else, since it's spoken by someone not from the band, but I don't know the original source...) "I want you to have your own thoughts, and ideas and feelings - even when I hold you in my arms." I don't want someone to be all about me, just like I don't want to be all about someone else. Even if/when I get married. We'll be a team, and yes, sometimes you make sacrifices for the team as a whole. For instance, at the time, I was willing to sacrifice my life down here in Whittier in order to move in with Amy, so that we could develop our relationship without the long distance deterrent. At the time, it made the most sense for me to move, if one of us were going to. But, it seems Amy wanted someone who would have moved, even if the more practical solution would have been for her to move.

So, anyways, that's over, and we're both better off for it. She can go off and find her Spock, while I can try to find someone who also believes the characters in The Gift of the Magi should have discussed what they wanted for Christmas...

If anyone knows where I can find someone interested in this more pragmatic view of love, you know where to find me...

[User Picture]From: shironiku
2003-09-08 04:08 am (UTC)
I've never been out with a clingy woman. In fact, all the women I've ever gone out with have been the total opposite, independent to the point of not even wanting to be in the relationship. It's definitely a downer when your girlfriend doesn't even give a shit if you're there or not half the time.
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[User Picture]From: shironiku
2003-09-08 04:10 am (UTC)
I'm glad you finally got some closure for yourself, though.
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[User Picture]From: pottertilly
2003-09-08 09:11 am (UTC)
When I came across this entry, my proverbial eyebrow was raised. I am sincerely glad you were able to talk to Amy, and I do hope it brought some peace for you.

I've never liked being sappy, personally, but the thing is, I am a sappy person. Although I don't want to be connected to the hip with seonsaint, I appreciate and love all the time I get to spend with him. And, admittedly, if it were to happen, I would want him to live and not me. Maybe that sounds dramatic, and maybe if it were to really happen, I wouldn't feel the same, but the love I feel for him, yes, I would want to be the one who would give up her life and for him to continue. This may sound icky and all, but that's how I feel. I do understand your viewpoint though... I want him and I to have our own opinions (and, not a dig on him, but you know he definitely has his own, unique views), and they may not be the same, but we have to respect those differences... Again, I think of the words in "Somebody" -- "...she'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking..."

Anyway, I'm glad you both know what kind of person you want in a relationship. Good luck to you two!
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[User Picture]From: pottertilly
2003-09-08 01:43 pm (UTC)

Speaking of dying for someone...

One night, SeonSaint, his mom and I were watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." The "straight guy" in that episode had apparently taken a bullet for his mother years ago after she was being followed or something like that. SeonSaint told his mom and I that he would take a bullet for us. His mom asked, "When?"

Ha, ha! Had to share that story.
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[User Picture]From: self
2003-09-08 11:51 am (UTC)

just one more insight into why self remains single

The car crash scenario leaves too many variables.
  • Are there children to raise?
  • How much physical damage will the survivor endure?
  • Which of you is better equipped to live without the other's income?
  • How quickly is the survivor expected to move on and find someone else?
  • Which is more likely to see the others' unfinished projects to completion, and how important are they?
  • Are either of you even partially responsible for this accident occuring?
Truthfully, both choices are equally selfish. The decision has to be made based on a thousand personal responsibility concerns which change from one moment to the next.

Now, here's the interesting thing:
    Amy's very religious, so she ultimately has to agree with your stance, if not your reasoning.

      Choosing to save her life over yours amounts to suicide, which means instant damnation. If you'd like to spend eternity together, your only chance is to save yourself and pray that despite the certain knowledge which put you in this position, she'll be able to do the same. If she does not, hold fast to your faith that this was God's will, for no other outcome was permitted.

    Does it matter that you yourself do not believe this?

    Not to the god she believes in.
But, yes.. On a smaller scale, the day-to-day decisions?

Those who think they want someone to sacrifice everything for them are inevitably dragged down by the dead weight they've molded their partner into.

    You can't provide without first serving your own needs. And, neither can they.
        Just think how much nicer you can treat each other when your careers are in order.
            The gestural compromise should be made wherever possible, but genuine sacrifice?

                  Playing the martyr hurts both of you equally.
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[User Picture]From: 20three
2003-09-27 11:25 am (UTC)

just my 2 cents

I first read your entry and felt the desire to respond...and then I saw the music you were listening to and was so happy. I didn't even know Athenaeum had recorded any more albums since Radiance! I saw them back in college and I loved them - so thank you for reuniting me with them. I will have to get the "new" album.

As far as relationships go - I am so far removed from one that I don't know if I can relate. But I can say this, I too want to find someone who I can just exist with. Over time, the more independent time I have, I just have no desire to lean on someone. And I'm not looking for a clingy person either. I want a strong, independent man who knows what he wants, has hopes and dreams, and someone who I can believe in - and who would believe and support me as well. When it comes to sacrificing your life for someone else...again, I don't know if I could state my position on that. I haven't been in a serious relationship in forever. I think I would do all I could to save the person so we could both make it out alive.

Anyways...just wanted to let you know you're not alone when it comes to not wanting to be "all about" someone else. Relationships are tricky - you grow from all of the ups and downs. In time you'll be stronger from all of this...

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