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An apology/explanation, and some helpful hints... - Kurt's Life (or lack thereof) [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kurt Onstad

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An apology/explanation, and some helpful hints... [Nov. 22nd, 2003|02:50 am]
Kurt Onstad
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]

I'm sure many of you who interact with me in person have noticed me being less social, more testy, and overall, just less of a person than I normally am. There's a reason for this:

My panic attacks are back.

Having no health insurance, and not enough money to pay for the Zoloft myself (man, I need a new job...), I've been relying on a friend who's a doctor to get samples for me. Unfortunately, her co-worker/boss has been taking all of the Zoloft samples recently, and so I've run out, and am back to how I was before going on medication. Way before. I'm in a near constant state of anxiety, and having full blown attacks at least once a day. It's a vicious cycle, where I'll notice some small issue with my body (say, my stomach bothering me), and I convince myself that it's a major problem, and I'm going to die. So, I start to panic. Well, one of the symptoms of a panic attack is nausea/stomach distress, so it gets worse, and that convinces me all the more and they just feed off of each other. The attacks have been keeping me up at night, so I'm not getting as much sleep, which makes me more sensitive to any problems I have, which makes panic attacks more likely, which means I get less sleep...Whee.

Now, I know some of you may read this and want to sympathize/empathize with me, or express some other form of condolences or pity for my condition. I ask that, especially in person, you don't. I've found from experience that talking about my panic attacks when I'm in this kind of position just makes things worse. So, here's some dos and don'ts to help me out:
  • Don't constantly ask me how I feel, especially if it looks like the answer will be anything other than "Great!" Focusing on my body too much is how these attacks are caused, so I don't want someone to ask me to assess my current condition, because that will make me focus on my body.
  • If I appear to be having an attack, don't ask if I am, and don't put a consoling arm on my shoulder/back/whatever body part happens to be convenient. All that does is make me feel that my condition is obvious to everyone, which means that it's even worse than I thought.
  • Dowhat you can to get my mind off of things. Try to chat with me about something that makes me think about things. The best time recently for me was when I called Seth to talk to his roommate, Renee about Pages' Feaste (an AOKP event), and ended up chatting with Seth for half an hour or more about various AOKP issues and storylines.
  • If you read this, and do any of the "Don'ts" as a joke, do expect to get punched in the face. This is a serious issue for me, and I will not find any humor in using this as something to mock me about right now. Once I get back on medication, that will probably change. I'm usually pretty open about jokes being made at my expense, but jokes on this subject are crossing a line between poking fun and just being mean...

[User Picture]From: shironiku
2003-11-22 04:21 am (UTC)
I wondered why you left the feast in such a hurry. I remember you mentioning you were sick last week, I just figured it was that.
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[User Picture]From: lightways
2003-11-22 09:36 am (UTC)


Not, good. VERY not good. Talk to Lisa. She has other drugs available to her and I'm sure that she doesn't want to see you, or anyone else in this state of being.

The worst case, that I see, is that you try something that doesn't work for you as well as the Zoloft. But that might be better than not taking anything...


10 mg of Lexapro had the same effect as 50-75 mg of Zoloft for me.
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[User Picture]From: technomonkey
2003-11-22 09:46 am (UTC)


I'm sorry to hear it.

(I just started typing that sentance with my hand one character over. I considered keeping the "U;n Sirrt ti gear ur," but figured it wouldn't make any sense...)

I will try to help with the Do's and Don't as best I can (the not joking around is the easy one for me), but asking if someone's OK or trying to lend a hand is a sign of concern, and being concerned for my friends' well being is part of who I am - it generally kicks in before my brain can say to me "YOU MORON, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!!" So I'll try, but I make no guarantees...

I think Jen's idea is a valid one, though - if Zoloft isn't available, maybe something else that will help (even if not as much) is. Options are a good thing...
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[User Picture]From: jasheffe
2003-11-22 01:01 pm (UTC)
You know, I don't think I can remember a time when this wasn't a problem for you so no big deal for me. If you need it, I'll just distract you with made up tales of the woder and glories of he that is....SPEEDBALL!!!! :D

Seriously, hope you feel better and you know where to find me (I hope) if needed.
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[User Picture]From: jeanlucpikachu
2003-11-22 06:26 pm (UTC)
Canadian pharmacies? Or is Mexico closer to you?
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[User Picture]From: ideaspace
2003-11-23 07:10 pm (UTC)
You're officially allowed to hit me in the face just whenever. It's a little known and less mentioned Z privilege handed down from the days our ancestors spent in Scotland shaming sheep.
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