October 4th, 2000

blue hair thoughtful

Time for bed soon...

Just finished another conversation with the young lady that I may be starting a relationship with one of these days soon...It'd be much easier if I actually was able to drive right now. *Sigh* Anyone know how to get a hold of about $1000 quickly and legally? Didn't think so. Of course, I'm not mentioning this journal to any of my friends right now, so it's not like anyone's reading this, unless they happen to run across it by random...This is almost like leaving your diary out and open in the mall. Chances are, anyone who picks it up doesn't actually know you, but there's always that tiny probabilty...

Anyways, back to the conversation. I think I see signs that things are moving forward already. Saying goodnight and goodbye takes about twice to three times as long as it originally did. I really love this stage of a relationship. It's not as much fun as the next step up, when you're actually dating, but the gentle feeling each other out and the process of getting to know one another is something that can't quite be described. I already know more about her (and I actually recall most of it!) than I do about quite a few of my friends. Especially the recall bit. It's embarrassing sometimes how quickly I lose information just told to me when it deals with other people. But, with her, I'm truly interested and concerned, and thus retain what she tells me.

Still moving slowly. Haven't said anything about love, or going steady, or even an actual date. I invited her out here for tutoring help, which she might do, and I brought up the possibility of a group of us getting together...A friend of mine suggested that one...You know, the whole "group theory." You know, go out with a group, then little by little, whittle down the group, until one day, you and she are dating... :)

Well, anyways, I'm exhausted, and my body's finally decided that it agrees with me. Time to sleep.

Kurt Onstad
Would find it very ironic if the young woman in question wanders across this by accident...And yet, fitting with his life.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive
blue hair thoughtful

Music fills my mind...

For almost a decade now, I've had these little bud headphones, on which I'd listen to music when I didn't want to disturb those I live with. Well, for about the past year, they were missing. Today, just when I was about to go out and buy a new pair, I happened to run across them. I'm now listening to some of the CD's I've gotten in the interim, enjoying all the little details you miss, even with really good speakers. I'd almost forgotten how blissful an experience this is. I can barely feel the headphones on me, and with these bud style phones, it sounds like the music is actually coming from inside of your head.

Few people understand how important music is to me. I don't have any talent for creating music myself, other than having a really nice singing voice, but listening to music at times is almost a religious experience for me. When I shut my eyes and start to sing along, I'm in another world, and it's painful to me when someone drags me out of that. If someone who knows me eventually reads this, and sees me "become one with the song," please wait until the song is over before bringing me back. I really feel sorry for those people who can't understand this, but it seems that more people are in the "don't understand" category. Hopefully, this explanation can bring more people over to understanding...

Kurt Onstad
Don't worry. He doesn't do that when he's driving...
  • Current Music
    Matthew Sweet - "Thunderstorm"
blue hair thoughtful

A little back story...

So, I've gotten a lot of demand from my readers (No, I don't actually have any readers yet, but I like writing this as if I do.) to explain who the woman I keep mentioning is, and how things started with her. Well, who am I to disappoint?

I'm part of a group that likes to dress up in medieval clothes, act like other people, and occasionally take out foam weapons, and try to defeat each other in combat. The woman in question (whose name is Megan) is also a part of the group. Unfortunately, with my license suspended, I'm not able to get out there as often as I'd like to join this group. So, I haven't had as much of a chance to get to know the newer members of the group (of which Megan is one). But, I got some time off of work, and I joined about half of the group last weekend camping, and playing war games. A little bit before that, I needed to talk to Megan about something related to the character I play, and we got into a conversation online. In it, we realized we would be on opposite teams. I, being the incurable flirt I am, said, "Damn. I hate to kill attractive women." This started her now famous phrase (at least with me), "I'm so going to get you!" My response was something along the lines of "Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Thus, the playful banter began...

The next Thursday, after Court (that's our weekly meeting, which I found a ride out to), I went to our usual 1am restaurant, as did Megan. That was when I noticed exactly how beautiful she is. Now, I had met her before, and I knew she was attractive, but something about her that night sent my jaw dropping. I mean, at one point, I had literally been struck speechless. Those of you who know me realize how hard that is...Also, when I had first met her, she wasn't available, so no matter how gorgeous I found her, I wasn't going to do anything about it (Been there. Fucked up friendships over it...Never again. Really. I mean it this time.) But, now, she was single and I had sort of just become recently single (and yet, simultaneously, had been single for years. Long story that I'm sure I'll share at another time...). Which meant...well, actually nothing, I assumed. When it comes down to it, I have a real hard time as seeing myself as attractive, and thought she was way out of my league. But, I could dream...

So, that brings us to Friday night. When I arrived at the campsite, along with the friends I hitched a ride with (who are currently a couple), I found that almost all of the group there was absolutely blitzed...The couple I came up with decided to hang out together at the other campsite (War games, thus two camps). The only other sober people were Maire, and Megan. Maire was asleep (or so we all thought...), leaving only Megan as the fellow non-imbiber. I don't drink very often, and usually when I do, I just get depressed and lonely, which wasn't what I wanted that night, so I decided to stay sober and help out those who had gone too far...

Towards the end of the night, Fred started in hitting on Megan, in his own unique way. Fred is, of course, married, but that doesn't seem to stop him. He was telling Megan that she hadn't moved on from her most recent boyfriend, and needed to do so, and also needed to loosen up. He was hoping she would get drunk along with the rest of the group. I was sitting there, listening and occasionally adding comments while he did this. She shyly blushed at his lecherous compliments, but insisted that she had moved on. I've forgotten exactly how it happened, but somehow I kissed her on the cheek (with just the corners of our lips touching), as some sort of demonstration...

When everyone was ready to go to bed, Megan and I helped one of the guys who had gone way too far, drink-wise, get back to his tent at the other camp. Fred walked along, as well, since that's where his tent was (as was mine). We got them safely to bed, and I volunteered to walk Megan back to her camp. As we walked back to camp, I put my arm around her, and asked her how bad Fred had been. She said it wasn't too bad. Working up my courage, I told her that when I had kissed her during that, I had the desire to take the kiss farther than I had. I don't really remember what she said to that, if anything (Hey, it was really late at night, by this point, give me a break.). Then, when we hugged to say goodbye, we kissed. I didn't kiss her, she didn't kiss me (as I later found out). It just happened. I didn't have much time to react before it was over. She breathlessly said, "I really should go to sleep." Much as I knew I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon now, and wanted to explore this, I agreed and walked off into the night (quite literally. I didn't turn on my flashlight, and walked back by starlight. I have excellent night vision).

Now, the aftermath...I think I'll make a second entry for that. I've gone on for far too long...

Kurt Onstad
To be continued...
  • Current Music
    Mollys Yes - "Girlfriend"
blue hair thoughtful

Continuing...

If you haven't read the entry yet titled, "A little back story," you may want to. This one isn't going to make much sense without it...

So, when last we left me and Megan, we had kissed (she's a good kisser. I am when I know it's coming. I really do want to kiss her again soon, at the very least to show her what I can do when I'm prepared...) and I had walked back to camp.

Well, that night, I was awoken by my tentmate. Turns out some high-schoolers had come up to the campsite and were hanging out next to their cars playing their music loudly, generally acting obnoxious. Of course, on little sleep, he and I both assumed the worst (gang-bangers who were getting drunk and mess with our cars and possibly come into our camp and mess with us). So, I immediately go into adrenaline mode, prepared to have to fight these guys if necessary, but knowing (again, really late, not really thinking straight) that they probably have guns and just kill us. Rich (my tentmate) and I wake up the guys who are sober enough to wake up. That's all of one other guy, and one girl. So, three of the four of us (Rich was still back at our camp, trying to wake people up. No luck...) talk to the three guys who had just started walking down towards our camp. Like I said earlier, they turned out to be fairly regular high-schoolers who were just up there fucking around. We told them to keep it down so we could sleep, and they pretty much complied.

I went back and explained to Rich what was going on. He was still a little on the paranoid side, (as was I a little still. Coming down from an adrenaline rush takes a little time.) and so decided to stay up until they actually left. I stayed up a little bit with him, and while doing so, I told him about the kiss. I really shouldn't have, but I really wanted to tell somebody, and I didn't have this journal thing yet to look forward to, so, I opened my big mouth. Now, the next morning, Rich told Jen (the girl he's dating), and so she asked me about it later that day...IN FRONT OF MOST OF MY TEAM! Fortunately, someone else showed up at just that moment, and I was able to avoid the subject for the rest of the day...

Megan and I didn't have a lot of interaction out of character the rest of the weekend, being on opposite sides of the war games and all. She didn't end up "getting me," as she said she was going to, but she still says she's going to...I look forward to it... :)

Sunday, after Megan drove Maire and I back to the college that most of the group are / were students at and took a shower (Not together! Get your minds out of the gutter!), Megan and I got some time to talk. It took me a little bit of time to get up the courage to broach the subject of the kiss with her. Because of how rare it is that I actually date, I'm very shy about talking about this kind of stuff. This is when she explained that it wasn't expected on her part, either. I asked her if this was a one time thing, or if she might be interested in seeing if there was more there. Her exact responses were "I don't know." and "Yeah, maybe!" Not the best responses I could have hoped for, but not the worst, either. And the way she delivered the responses, I'm choosing to interpret it on the more positive side. And, the fact that she and I have talked for hours online every night since is another good sign...

I've explained to Megan about my big mouth, and she's not mad, but we're both trying to keep things quiet for now, while we get to know each other and figure things out. Of course, I'm not disguising my name, and I didn't do that good a job of disguising these people, so as soon as one person who knows me shows up here, cat's out of the bag...Oh well. I'm not a secretive kind of person. My life's always been an open book...Go ahead. Ask me anything. I'll tell you the truth.

Kurt Onstad
  • Current Music
    Freddie Mercury - "Guide Me Home / How Can I Go On?"