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Not so good stuff from this weekend... - Kurt's Life (or lack thereof) [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kurt Onstad

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Not so good stuff from this weekend... [Dec. 16th, 2000|07:14 pm]
Kurt Onstad
Hi, Erik. You have a pretty good idea of what this entry is about...

So, Erik and Riki were friends long before I came on the scene. But, since Riki became interested in me, Erik's noticed a change in their relationship. Before I asked her out (these are actually Erik's words, not mine...), Erik says that he felt like she was using him as a way of getting to me (Those aren't his exact words, but they're close...). Now that she and I are together, Erik feels like their friendship is fading away. Actually, his exact words were "I feel like I'm disappearing."

This has been exacerbated by other events of yesterday evening that are actually too long to go into, but basically, Riki isn't treating Erik with the respect he's due, and Erik's so afraid of losing his friendship with her that he's afraid to talk to her about it...(Cue the irony...) So, he wants me to discuss it with her.

Now, I do feel partially responsible, since it was her interest in me, and our burgeoning relationship that started this whole thing. I also think part of the reason this is an issue right now is because of the fact that I'm dependent on Erik for a place to stay and rides most places during the weekends that I'm out there. But there's a part of me that says, "This is between him and her. Getting in the middle of this is just going to get me in trouble with one or the other, or both."

I don't want Riki to give up any friendships for me, especially with people that are my friends too. That's just silly. But, is this something I should talk to her about, or should this be Erik's responsibility?

Speak, oh wise one...(That's you, self!)

Kurt Onstad
What would Brian Boitano do?

If you're wondering who Abner is in the comments below, that's Erik's old alias in this journal (Hey, he chose it, not me...). Similarly, Lucy is how I used to refer to Riki here.

[User Picture]From: self
2000-12-18 12:56 am (UTC)

I think you knew this one already.

"Talk to her" means exactly that. You're not promising results, and you're under no obligation to deliver them. But you are in an honest relationship, and some aspect is bothering you. You'd have a responsibility to mention it even if Abner hadn't asked you to.

Abner is right not wanting to make the first move. Anything he says is going to sound like an accusation. Lucy needs to be aware of the situation, and she needs time to think about her response before delivering it.

Basically, you're asking Lucy to talk to Abner. You're not presenting evidence, you're not pressuring her into a decision, you're not even asking for her thoughts on the matter, though if she wants to discuss it, that's fine. But any sentence beginning with "Tell Abner that..." should start warning bells in your head. Think it through, evaluate, and if this is something he needs to hear from her, step back and let her know that.

You're not taking responsibility for the situation, just bringing it to the table. Do what you can, but make that limitation known.

To Lucy:
"Abner's beginning to feel left out now that we're dating. He doesn't want to lose your friendship, so he's kept his mouth shut, but you really should talk to him."

(Note again the absence of specifics. All relationships take their toll on innocent bystanders. It's not deliberate, and no one's to blame. It's just an awkwardness to work through. Goes with the territory.)

To Abner:
"I'll ask her to talk to you, but understand now that I probably won't be able to tell you the details of our conversation. I'll do what I can, but this is really between the two of you."

Reword for sensitivity, but there's your framework.
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