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More of Kurt's History - Kurt's Life (or lack thereof) [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kurt Onstad

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More of Kurt's History [Oct. 7th, 2000|01:40 pm]
Kurt Onstad
So, no shit, there I was...(Inside joke. All stories start this way, according to the group I hang out with...)

So, there I was, last Halloween. My friend's girlfriend had organized a live action role playing game up near their house. This was five hours away by car, but I really wanted to go. Fortunately, my best friend (also my friend's older brother), wanted to go as well, so we went up together.

We arrive at the hotel, and meet up with Joel (aka technomonkey) and his girlfriend. And then, in walks in one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever seen. Long, flowing red hair (I'm a sucker for redheads...), pale skin, wearing a black and purple dress. Meet Sabrina...

Sabrina had a guy who followed her around like a puppy dog most of the night, and so I made little to no moves her way, although I was my usual flirtatious self. The next morning I did ask her to marry me (I tend to do that a lot. I seriously believe that's how I'll end up getting married...), she said "Ask me again next time we get together," which we thought would be next year around the same time. My best friend at the time, self was also attracted to her, and asked for her email address, which she gave to him loud enough so I could hear it as well. Well, Self and I had already fought long and hard over a woman previously, so I made sure to follow Self's rules this time. One of those rules was that I couldn't email her first, because she didn't specifically give me her address, even if I had overheard it.

So, a couple of weeks later, Self's brother, Joel, emailed me and asked "You and Sabrina emailing each other back and forth?" I said, "No. She never gave me her email address." Joel says, "That's funny, because she told me that if she was going to hook up with anyone at the party, it would have been you." So, I told Joel, "Well, I'm not allowed to email her until she emails me first. But, if she somehow got my email address, and emailed me, I'd love to talk to her again." So, a few days later, guess who I heard from...

To make a long story short (too late), Sabrina and I quickly started emailing and chatting on a regular basis, and I made the same mistake I've made before...I moved too fast. Within a couple of weeks, I was professing my love for her. I'd get worried when I didn't hear from her for more than three days in a row. Now, in my defense, she was fucked up too...She had many horror stories of past boyfriends and other men interested in her who were obsessive and dangerous, most of which she encouraged in one way or another. So, my concern was fairly understandable.

New Year's I went up to see her, as well as Joel and others. We had a lot of fun, and Sabrina and I were acting like the typical boyfriend / girlfriend (but, keeping the P.D.A.'s to a reasonable level...). I was very happy, and from all I could tell, so was she.

Anyways, after a while, I got used to her pulling her "disappearing acts" for a week or so, while she went out and hung out with her friends, and be without computer access. But, then, two weeks passed, and I left a message on her machine. Then two and a half, then three. By the time a month passed, I was leaving daily messages on her machine, for her to just let me know she was still alright. Eventually, Joel's girlfriend got in contact with her for me, to find out what happened. Turns out she had gotten "bored" with me, and just decided not to talk to me anymore. This really hurt for a while. I've never just been cast aside like that, without any sort of conversation explaning what happened...

While, as I said, this in particular had never happened to me before, this sort of pattern has been a near constant in my life, of seeing something encouraging happening with a woman, and then getting my hopes dashed against the rocks. This is why still, part of me assumes that Megan is looking for a way out. Whenever I become happy, part of me feels there's something horrible just around the corner...

Of course, in this case, something horrible is around the corner, for sure. But, it's not me being dumped. That's nothing in comparison. But, in this case, that's not my secret to tell...

But, back to my problems (this is my journal, after all. And besides, how much can I go on about something that I'm not allowed to tell.), if I don't take care of that self-defeating attitude, I'll never have a healthy relationship. And I'd really like one of those someday.

Any suggestions?

Kurt Onstad
Cynical? Who, me?