|One advantage to getting laid late in life...
||[Aug. 29th, 2002|01:03 pm]
|||||Disconnect The Dots - Smash Mouth - Fush Yu Mang||]|
Stolen from Matt Fraction's Poplife column on Comic Book Resources
There comes a certain point in time when you reach That Certain Age. You know the age I'm talking about-- I'm talking about the age where you're officially Too Old To Be At A Rock Show. It's sad and embarrassing for the rest of us to see; I think you know it, too. I think you know that we know because of the caution with which you enter the club; the desperation with which scan the crowd from side to side in search of your other golf buddies; and then the temerity with which you quickly cluster together around a pitcher of light beer or six, a real Beercan Superman watching all the Freshman Hotties come by in their endless streams of panties and perfume and you think that you cannot be seen by us. We know you as you know you: Your thinning pate. Your polo shirts. Your shorts, closer to your balls than to your knees. Your full-time job.
We know you. We see you.
We hate you.
Embrace your oldness, fogey. Pucker up and smooch Old Man Middle-Age square on its mediocre mouth in the back of your airbagged minivan, because watching you bob and twitch like some sort of spastic insurance salesman makes our toes curl up into little foot-fists of shame.
SHAME, I say.
So I give this to you, people of Earth: Fraction's Am I Too Old To Be At The Rock Show? Formula of Mathematical Certainty:
2x+(x/5) = Too Old For The Rock Show
Where x = Age at which virginity was lost.
For those of you still young enough to rock, I say ROCK to thee and I shall see you at the Rock Show. And for you too Old for the Rock, I hear MAD ABOUT YOU is about to start.
For women, make that, oh, (X/2) or so. No Rock Show is complete with out a few Old Ass Rock Slags.
If you're interested in a little math puzzle, and don't already know what my x is, I'm allowed to continue going to rock shows until I'm 55.
You were 25? (and I thought all that math in school would get me nowehere... oh, right... it still hasn't gotten me anywhere.) :)
2002-08-29 06:09 pm (UTC)
That's right! Tell her what she's won, Johnny!
2002-08-29 06:10 pm (UTC)
I think the formula may say more about Mr. Fraction and his assumptions than it says about Aging Rockers. It's completely biased against early bloomers! The results only seem reasonable for values of x greater than 18, assuming people start wearing golf shirts at forty. Just because
I someone was led down a primrose path at a tender age, they are less cool at shows? My Their hair's gonna fall out faster because they were precocious?
Hmm. There may be something there. Perhaps the late bloomers remain enthusiastic longer. Have generally more earnest attitudes.
Dear lord... I've only got two years left!
2002-08-29 06:25 pm (UTC)
Sweet Little Fifteen?
I've noticed that many people who didn't get to (or chose not to) go at all wild during their childhood and adolescence made up or make up for that by taking longer in the post-college years to settle down into middle-agedom.
You Your friend was like a shooting star, brilliant in his time, but burning out too quickly.
I'm like an Olympic torch, baby!
is so lying to himself in this comment...
I realized I was too old to keep going to concerts when my hatred of getting in and out of the venue's parking lot outweighed my desire to see the performer.
2x + (x/5) is the same as 11x/5. Or (11/5)x. Or 2.2x
2x + (x/2) is the same as 5x/2. Or (5/2)x. Or 2.5x
Which means there's not a huge difference between men and women in these equations - not nearly as much as they imply. A woman who lost her virginity at age 16 would be too old for the rock show at age 40, and a man who lost his at age 16 would be too old at age 35 (and 2 months, 12 days, for the truly scary math people out there. Can't you just see a guy at age 35 and 2 months, 11 days saying "It's my last hurrah!"?).
Anyway, there ya go. When dealing with constants, simplify 'em!
Well, I'm constantly simple-minded, so I hope that counts.
I think that dividing people into categories and deciding who's cool and who's not is a sign of feeling like maybe Mr. Fraction is fractionally getting to be on the wrong side of cool himself. It's not hep to sneer at the oldies in the club. It's frightened of seeing yourself there.
I myself would measure one's suitability to be at a show: a) by the music -->Springsteen is all ages. Nashville Pussy is all ages. If Matt Fraction's whining about balding guys at his *N Sync show, well... b) who invited you there --> You're only as old as the person you're feeling.
How about this suitability formula: (( x+5)-y)(2/z) = age inappropriate to be at the club, where x is the age of the lead singer performing, y is the years (rounded down to the nearest whole) since you bought new clothes (for purposes other than work/waistline expansion) and z is the number of years (rounded up to the nearest whole) since you had sex .
A Paul McCartney fan could be almost 130 years old, provided he's still getting some! What I like about my formula is that it's generous, and it factors in how much you're trying.
It also means that if you haven't had sex, you shouldn't be rocking. "Rock N Roll" was a euphemism for a reason, folks.
Thank you, and I shouldn't be doing this without having coffee.
2002-09-06 11:51 pm (UTC)
youth is wasted on the living
I outgrew "rock shows" many years ago, and try now to attend only concerts or performances by artists who specialize in the creation of music.
Oh, and sex is for losers.